he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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