he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
The best revenge is premature balding
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Randomize
