Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize