i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
