oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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