I'll bet she douches with gravy.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
