I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
