You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
