Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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