I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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