Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
