some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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