under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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