If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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