every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
