When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
