I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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