You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
