i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
