i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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