They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
