remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
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