we're chasing vodka with high fives
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
