idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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