She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
