nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
