I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
