theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
