so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
