Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
