U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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