Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
