my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You took a bar mat shot.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
