this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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