what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
