i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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