I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
