take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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