I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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