i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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