im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
