ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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