I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
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