I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
