My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
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