I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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