I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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