Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
