If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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