if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
